You should collaborate with 'Big Stretch'. It'll be hilarious, trust me.
Dilz, against the best of his wishes, decides to befriend this strange man. "Yeah, let's make a dream come true," he says, unable to keep at least a bit of sarcasm out of it.
"BROTHUUUUUUUH!" 'Big Stretch' envelops me with an extremely big hug. His Axe body spray is quite apparent at such a close range. "BROTHUH, I KNEW YOU WERE A BROTHUH! NEW MAN! NEW GUY! BROTHUH!" He finally lets go of me after this little interaction. The worker from before attempt to approach again, but eventually stops decently far away and just bails.
"Brothuh, lezz get outta here! Aien't no deal in this joint, less head on down to da pizza place, get ourselves a big slice!" He almost drags me to the food court, and I go along with him. He's gotta have some good info.
We arrived in the food court, which was just a bit more crowded than when I last went in here. The guy at that weird sweetmeats restaurant was banging his head against the counter, as literally nobody was in line while the rest had quite long ones. Poor guy. 'Big Stretch' and I got into a long but quick moving line behind the pizza place.
"BROTHUH, we gonna get uz the best slice o' pizzaz out there! No cheese, no sauce, quadruple sardines, olives, onions, garlic butter, chocolate crust, cookie crumble on top, quart of pineapple juice poured on after cooking. OOOOH, thas a good slice! Brothuh, you gonna be in heaven!"
It was only then that I began to regret murdering my boss.
"So, BROTHUH! What we gunna do? Whas yo dream, fool? What ya gonna get today at the B I G Stretch dispenser?"
"Do you know anything about the head mall cop here?" I looked around and saw just a bunch of mainly middle aged people and families. Gotta keep this conversation low level...
"Oh, ya mean old Kowalski? Man, I know errything about dat guy! Wait a sec..." 'Big Stretch' began scrolling through his phone.
"Hey, man, we're almost in front of the line..."
"BROTHUH, lez wait then. Pleasure before business, amiright? EHEHEHEHEEHEHEH!"
When approaching the pizza place, the poor guy at the register seemed to get a few shades paler and immediately called for his manager to the register. He was a fairly young man, but still had grey hairs. Might be because of this guy.
"Hello, sir. Would you consider trying one of our new promotion pi-"
"HEYYYYL NO! Imma go with the smooth jam, the usual, brothuh!"
"Sir, would you please con-"
"Brothuh, I know you real well. You are real good at biznezz! Don't worry yoself, I aien't gonna make a patent on dis pizza, is all yours!" The manager looked down in defeat.
"Thank you, sir. We'll get one of your usual to you in a few minutes."
"Thanks, brothuh." The manager receded into the kitchen with a very sour look on his face.
"Yeah, ya see, that guy aien't really that much of a brothuh. He's kind of a brothuh, not much tho. Like, he could be a brothuh if he tried hard, he could be pretty good, but he aien't doing was required! Now, when I saw you, I thought 'this man is a BROTHUH!' You're gonna go great places, mannn!" The manager came back out with an extremely soggy pizza box. The lid was barely closed on it, and the cardboard was about to deteriorate from the extreme moisture. The manager's face was prickled with green.
"EY YO, KEEP IT REAL BROTHUH!" 'Big Stretch yelled out as we went to sit down at a table. He opened the pizza box and began to cut pieces off with a knife and fork and shove them into his mouth, slurping loudly. He slided a knife and fork over to me, too.
"Yo, eat dis! Iz good for yo brain, BROTHUH!" I decided that I should pay for my sins by taking a small spoonful of the substance and putting it into my mouth...
It's not that bad. Frick, is he rubbing off on me? Is something wrong with me? Like, it's a really weird flavor, but it's not disgusting. Let's move on. I don't want my mental collapse to be caused by this when I killed a man last night.
"Tell me what you know about Kowalski."
'Big Stretch' continued to slurp up his food and took out his phone. He clicked a few things, and then laid the phone on the table for me to see. It was a notes file, with these words:
OFFICER RADZYNCH KOWALSKI WORK SCHEDULE - NO INTERRUPTIONS
5:00 AM: ARRIVE AT WORK
5:00 AM - 11:00 AM: PAPERWORK, OTHER OFFICE WORK
11:00 AM - 12:00 PM: GENERAL PATROL
12:00 PM - 12:23 PM: LUNCH BREAK, GENERALLY EATS AT CHINESE RESTAURANT, FOR SPECIFIC DISHES SEE "DISH SELECTION" DOCUMENT FURTHER DOWN
12:23 PM - 1:00 PM: GENERAL PATROL
1:00 PM - 1:30 PM: MEETING WITH GENERAL MANAGER
1:30 PM - 2:00 PM: APPLICATION FOR POLICE OFFICER STATUS
2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: GENERAL PATROL
4:00 PM - 5:30 PM: MEETING WITH EMPLOYEES
5:30 PM - 5:53 PM: DINNER BREAK, GENERALLY EATS AT PIZZA RESTAURANT, FOR SPECIFIC DISHES SEE "DISH SELECTION" DOCUMENT FURTHER DOWN
5:53 PM - 6:00 PM: CLOSE UP OFFICES
6:00 PM - 7:00 PM: GENERAL PAROLE, UNPAID, PATHETIC
7:00 PM - 7:13 PM: COMMUTE TO 1210 GLASTONBURY GROVE
My eyes popped out of my skull.
"...How....how do you know this?" Scrolling down I noticed notes about his general schedule, plus common diversions in them. His whole family tree dating back 10 generations, detailed notes on all friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances, even notes on what brands of toothpaste he prefers. This was an absolute masterclass of information collected on somebody.
"Brothuh, imma be real with you. I get bored real easy, so I start thinking I'm like one of those James Bond guys, ya know? I got this on all of my BROTHUHS, ya know? Thas why they call me Camera Man, cuz I always watchin'! EHEHEHEHEHE! Member when I told you I got all of da sekritz? Well, I wasn't lying! I never lie! Thas a B I G STRETCH GUARANTEE, BROTHUH!" He shoveled more of his wet pile into his mouth and was smiling widely, showing off his mismatched and rotten teeth.
What the frick?
What will Dilz do?
A. Tell 'Big Stretch' why you need this data and begin to formulate a plan with him. You'll have to give some ideas, but with this info you're as good as gold!
B. Don't tell 'Big Stretch' why you need this data and just ask for a copy of it. You don't need to get him involved, but this is important stuff.
C. Deny 'Big Stretch' and walk away with nothing gently. This guy is creepy and no good, but there's no need for you to provoke him.
D. Deny 'Big Stretch' and harshly criticize him. This guy needs to be stopped in his tracks, and you may be the only one who can do that.
